The Chronicles of Ham & Chicken

10:38 pm October 30th text conversation

Ham : Do you know what you’re gonna be for Halloween?

Moo Cow: Yeah dude, I was thinking I was gonna be Left Shark again.

Ham: Moo, you’ve been Left Shark every Halloween since that Super Bowl. You’re seriously not gonna change it up?

Moo Cow: It’s a classic. But maybe ur right tho. The inside of the suit’s starting to smell like pizza breath.

Ham: Gross

Moo Cow: Yea I guess I could be a ghost or something. Cut some holes in a sheet. I’ve got a white one that I don’t use anymore cuz my grandma spilled a bottle of red wine on it.

Ham: Yea I think that’d be great. But really I wanted your input. I can’t decide if I should be Thriller era Michael Jackson, Jackson 5 Michael Jackson or white but not really Michael Jackson.

Moo Cow: Too soon for the last one man. I’d go with Thriller cuz that’s a great song dude.

Ham: Yea. But the fro is fun too. Ugh, can’t decide.


9:13 am October 31st

“What are you supposed to be?” Asked Ham to Chicken as they settled into their office the morning of Halloween.

“You can’t tell?”

“You’re just wearing an orange sweater and fake glasses.”

“Which is also worn by….”

“I don’t know, a well-read pumpkin?”

“I’m Velma from Scooby Doo.”

“Ooohhhh the nerdy one.”


“You could have probably done something to make it more obvious. Maybe get Woof Dog to do a duo or something.”

“I’m sorry not all of us put as much effort into this holiday as you. Also, the sequence on your glove keeps reflecting the sunlight into my eyes and it’s very distracting.”

“Sheesh, sorry, I’ll take it off. For now.”

They heard a knock.

“I’ll get it,” Chicken got up to answer the door. When she opened it, no one was there. Everyone was staring at her from their desks when suddenly Pig jumped at her from around the corner in a Scream killer costume with a fake knife brandished. Chicken screamed. Everyone watching started laughing hysterically.

“Very funny,” said Chicken cynically.

“And also the reason we do not allow weapons, real or fake, in the office,” chimed in Ham from behind. “Hand it over Pig.”

“Oh there’s no Pig here, just the Scream killer,” said Pig.

“Yeah I’ve seen those movies, the Scream killer never fares too well and neither will you if you don’t hand over the fake cutlery.”

“Movies? No, I’m the killer from the MTV series. Have you seen it? The chicks in it are so hot. Bow chica bow wow.”

“Please stop.”

“Fine. Didn’t realize you two were dressed up as murderers this Halloween.”

“What?” Asked Chicken

“Cause you’re real kill joys,” Pig said as he handed over the fake knife to Ham.

“Clever, now please go back to your desk.”

Ham shot Chicken an eye roll and Pig returned to his cubicle, flailing his arms and jumping at random co-workers trying to get a little whimper or a scream.

As Ham was shutting the door to their office, Moo Cow runs up to them, covered in a white sheet with just two holes for his eyes and a huge red wine stain on his back.

“Ham, Ham I have to talk to you. I feel totally lame in this costume man. I look like the sad wannabe ghost compared to Pig. Also, dude, I don’t know how but it also smells like pizza breath in here.”

“I think it means you need to work on having a more balanced diet.”
“I am, man, I am. Mama Moo made me this etoufee with crawfish, it’s amazing like drool worthy honestly. Brought some for lunch today if you wanna try.”

“Does sound good. And as for the costume. I think I have an idea. Give me the sheet.”

Moo Cow removed the sheet and Ham draped it around one shoulder and his waist.

“There, now it’s a toga.”

Chicken chimed in, “Oh Moo, that looks great. You’re a regular Julius Caesar”.

“Like the salad guy?” Asked Moo.

“Not everything is about food,” said Ham.

“No, I meant like the historical figural,” clarified Chicken.

“Oh. Did he do other stuff besides invent that salad?” Moo asked.

“I’m gonna let Google answer that for you,” replied Ham.

“Cool, thanks guys!”

12:37 pm October 31st


Chicken shot a terrified look at Ham.

“HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD,” they heard.

Ham and Chicken jumped out of their chairs and ran to the kitchen, the source of the screams. A group had formed by the microwave. Fluffy Alpaca was hovering over someone lying on the ground.

“Moo! Moo are you okay?” Ham pushed the onlookers out of the way. “What happened to you?”

“He was stabbed!” Yelled Fluffy.

“What?” Asked Chicken.

“It was that idiot!” Fluffy pointed at Pig. That’s when Chicken noticed Pig in his Scream killer outfit, crouching on the ground, holding his face in his hooves.

“Oh my God, I am so sorry. I wasn’t trying. He was. Shit. It was for fun but he-”

“Fluffy what happened?” Asked Chicken.

“Pig was waving around one of the knives from the kitchen proclaiming blood thirst and horniness or something when Moo Cow was walking by and that idiot STABBED HIM.”

“It was an accident!” Yelled Pig. “He shouldn’t been in my flail zone! YOU SHOULD KNOW TO ALWAYS STEER CLEAR OF THE SCREAM KILLERS FLAIL ZONE.”

Moo moaned.

“Moo, Moo are you with us?” Asked Ham.

Moo mumbled something that Ham couldn’t quite make out.

“What? Did you just say ‘et tu brute’?

“et tu…” said Moo.

“I think he’s trying to say ‘etouffee’. His lunch, it’s on the ground.” They looked and it was true, his Cajun delicacy was splattered all over the floor.

Moo nodded, looking close to tears.

“There’s so much blood,” said Fluffy.

Chicken started to investigate. “It’s not blood, it’s a red wine stain. We should still get him to the hospital though. He could need stitches. We’ll take care of it from here. Everyone back to your desks please!” Ham and Chicken helped Moo back onto his feet.

Ham shot Pig a look of rage, “we’ll deal with you later.”

2:28 pm October 31st

Ham and Chicken were sitting in the waiting room of the urgent vet. Chicken was flipping through a three year-old Cosmopolitan magazine.

“I should have just let him be Left Shark again,” said Ham.

“Ham, you can’t seriously think this is your fault.”

“Dressing him up like Caesar? I was messing with fate, Chicken. And you can’t convince me otherwise.”

“He’ll be fine. Maybe a tiny bit traumatized, but again, that’s not your fault. It’s on Pig. And hey, look at the bright side, you finally have a reason now to can him.”

“Probably won’t be able to can him. His sales numbers shot up 8% last month.”

“Well, we can at least get him suspended for a few days.”

“That’d be nice.”
“Yeah,” Chicken gave Ham’s hoof a reassuring pat.

Nurse Horse, came out with Moo.

Ham jumped out of his seat. “Is he alright?”

“He’ll be just fine. We got him a stitch.”

“Stitches? Aw no,” said Ham.

“No, stitch. Just one,” corrected Nurse Horse.

“One stitch?” Asked Chicken.

“Correct, it was a very small cut.”

“Thank you Nurse. We’ll take him home.”

“Moo, I’m so sorry. I should have let you be Left Shark. I’ll make it up to you. Cajun food, on me,” said Ham.

“Don’t worry about it dude, got the Nurse’s number. Not a bad day, ya feel?” Moo gave Ham a hoof bump.

Chicken sighed. “Well, today has been quite the thriller.”




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