If you are like me, you live in grave fear of an insect touching your human skin. I moved out of my parents house 7 years ago and unfortunately I have no longer been able to rely on my parents for protection from leggy, crawly, multi-eyed invaders. Thus I have been forced to be creative in my creature killing/shooing/strategic avoiding tactics. And I am here today to relay my stories, my successes and my failures to my fellow bug-fearing brothers and sisters so that they may proceed with greater confidence and squoosh all those lil mofos till they dead. Also, if you are a member of insect PETA, you may want to go ahead and stop reading at this point.
1. The Starve Out
When I moved to the Pacific Northwest after college, I was truly on my own for the first time. I had a little studio in Vancouver, Washington and I was looking forward to doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted (note, this did not include rebellious things, mostly drinking wine while watching ‘The Good Wife’ and taking two weeks to fully unload my laundry). One night when I was trying to sleep I heard banging against my drawn window blinds. I rotated the blinds so I could see what was underneath and lo and behold I uncovered the LARGEST MOTH I HAVE EVER SEEN. It was so big, it wasn’t able to fly out in between the blinds. There was no way I was about to try hand to hand combat with this Marvel-ian nightmare beast. So I figured, I could starve this sucker out. I could close the blinds, let it bang around but pretty soon, it’ll expend its energy and just plop down and die. I think this went on for about two days. But annoyingly, the moth’s banging around WOULD LITERALLY WAKE ME IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT. This thing was depriving me of sweet sleep which I desperately needed to work my 6am-4pm, high-stress finance job. So I decided it was time to woman up and end these fruitless games. I opened up my blinds and sprayed it with an insane amount of water until it died. It was the longest bug battle in my life’s history. The moral of this story is that apparently moths are solar powered or something so you should just do your best to kill them immediately.
2. The Squish Squish Bish
Very recently on a hot summer night, I was getting ready to go to bed in my studio apartment in Portland. I went to turn off the light when I saw out the corner of my eye an ominous shadow atop my bed. As I turned back to see the source, my worst fears were realized. On my wall was what I can only assume was a locust, like an Exodus level, end times signaling, grasshopper power-up. I quickly propped my door open and I stared at this thing for a good ten minutes trying to figure out how I was going to deal with it. It had to die or leave my apartment. My studio is 350 square feet so there was no way I could just ignore it because odds that it would touch my skin in the night were incredibly high. I also don’t have a vacuum or one of those magic electric tennis racket things that zap bugs (it’s on my Christmas list though) so I figured I would need to call 911 or animal control or a Priest. But that would go against everything I believed about the importance of being a strong, independent woman who got 99 problems but a bug ain’t one. So I continued to stand there and stare at it for an uncomfortably long amount of time. Whilst I was keeping tabs on the bright green, three-inch flying little female eater, I looked towards my air conditioner that was connected to my window that left a gap for bugs to get in. It was then I discovered there was also a MOTHER FUGGING SPIDER chillin’ like “alas, she’s distracted, time to invite my whole family of baby spiders into the large shoe box for which she pays too much rent”. Now I had TWO bugs to conquer. So I decided to kill the easy spider first. I took a deep breathe and killed that sucker with a paper towel. One down, one to go. But I knew I could not simply use a paper towel on the locust. It was too big and too aerodynamic. I thought, how can I squoosh this bish whilst keeping a safe distance? That’s when I realized, I had my Swiffer Sweeper. If I could use this to squoosh it, I’d be safe. So I got it out and did a test squoosh against a bare wall. This would work and WORK IT DID. It was so easy. Just a quick squish and it was done. I then drug its remains into the hallway cause I was not about to deal with that ish. This is all to say, get creative with your household products when the need arises.
3. The Shower Troll
You don’t know fear until you are in the shower with a moth. There I was, at my most vulnerable, trying to condition my damn hair, when a moth starts zipping around, hitting my BARE, FRESHLY WASHED SKIN. I ran out of there like a bat out of hell, soaking wet. I threw on some clothes to shield me from the flying fur demon and I went back to the bathroom to stare at the moth, formulating what the hell I was supposed to do. This is when I learned the ever important strategy of directing bugs where you need them to go to finish the deed. The moth was still inside my shower on the inside of the curtain. I knew if I got it to fly into the stream of water from my shower head, it would go down the drain. So I turned the shower on full blast, I hit the outside of the shower curtain, it flapped right into the steaming stream and down the drain. I had finished the sucker off in a matter of seconds. I have never felt such triumph. I was Xena, beast killing warrior princess genius extraordinaire.
For all of the squeamish, bug hating individuals out there, I hope you have learned something from this post. I hope that you can now live alone in your tiny, century-old studios across the world with just a little more confidence that you can conquer the occasional (yet evil) unwelcome insect.