Hugs Not Drugs?

The other day I was thinking about the phrase “hugs not drugs”. Now, recreational drugs are not my thing (unless you count the stint I had as a child where I would secretly and shamefully eat Tang powder), but I can imagine there are things other than hugs that would be superior for diverting someone’s attention when they’re temped to take a huff (puff?). Now I’m just thinking of Hufflepuff. Were they all burnouts? Was that they’re thing? Wouldn’t surprise me. But I digress. Here are some potential replacements for the saying “hugs not drugs”.

1. Pugs not drugs.

If you read my post, “Pedestrian” you will already know I break for dogs. It was like God said, humans are OK but they complain a ton and don’t really appreciate this dope earth I made for them so let me create a true example of unadulterated joy, loyalty and adorableness. And thus dogs floated down from the heavens and we have never been worthy. Whenever I’m sitting around in my apartment bored out of my mind I wish I could be hanging out with dogs. I’ve signed up for a dog walking app so I could spend time with dogs AND make money but apparently so has every other person in Portland because I’ve only gotten one walk in the month and a half I’ve had the app. We are all dog crazy, let’s be honest. If someone had a pug in front of them with their squished little faces, teeny folded ears and big ole “let me love u” eyes they would have no interest in shooting up that drug stuff.

2. Nugs not drugs.

And for those that are not aware, nugs is a nickname for nuggets. We’ve got vegan Quorn nugs, chicken nugs, fish nugs, all kinds of nugs. Did you guys know there was a time when McDonalds would sell 50 chicken nuggets for $9.99? That was a thing that was possible because let’s face it, people are obsessed with the crispy, savory bite sized pieces of genetically modified chicken that are nugs. The one time I was truly terrible to my father who is one of the the nicest, most caring men on earth was when I requested he bring me home chicken nugs from Mickey D’s and he brought me chicken selects strips instead. I was basically like, “how could you do this to me? How could you think this was appropriate? I have never been so disappointed with someone in my life.” It turned out they had just put the nuggets in a chicken selects box BUT he still forgot the sweet and sour sauce. This happened 10 years ago and I still haven’t forgotten. It is also this incident that made me realize we all have a little King Curtis running around in the deep, dark corners of our psyches. If you don’t understand that reference, please YouTube search King Curtis IMMEDIATELY. I’ll wait.

3. Snugs not drugs.

Snugs here is short for snuggles. Who doesn’t love to snuggle under a soft blanket on a rainy day with a cup of hot tea or a new Netflix series? Show me their face and I will call them a liar. There is a reason that Snuggies were so popular despite the awkward, chilly, sports going white people peppering their infomercial. It’s because Snuggies revolutionized the snuggling game. With it, we didn’t have to deal with the unbearable .2 seconds it takes to reach from beneath the warm embrace of our blankets to grab the remote or our warm seasonal drinks. Amazing. Wonderful. Innovative. Thank you Snuggie creator. I will not apologize for the fact that I love snugs. I will eat my lunch at my desk during the week so I can come home during my lunch hour and get in a quick snug and a few minutes of a Top Chef re-run. Can we all just admit we could do this everyday? It’s way more addicting than heroine*.

*Not scientifically proven.

If anyone cares to make bumper stickers or tees with the above sayings for quicker and more efficient dissemination of this insightful knowledge, feel free to contact me. But also, just don’t do drugs.

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