To: All BitBarns Personnel
From: Ham; Chicken
Subject: Fire Incident of September 6th 2017
As you are all aware, BitBarns Corporation underwent an evacuation of our main office yesterday, September 6th, due to smoke and flames that permeated from the kitchen. After investigation, we have discovered the fire was caused by an unattended tortilla in the toaster. We consider this a grave matter as significant damage was done to the north-facing half of the kitchen. The toaster and microwave units are unrepairable.
We must all be diligent in regards to workplace safety so such events do not occur in the future. All BitBarns employees share this space and we must treat it with the utmost respect for ourselves, for our co-workers, and ultimately, for our clients.
If you need to microwave or toast any lunch items, for the time being we suggest using the microwave at Whole Foods on 5th and Davis.
Your Human Resources Department
“Personally, I think Fluffy Alpaca started it,” said Chicken.
“And why do you think that?” Asked Ham.
“Because I’ve seen her eat her little avocado tacos with edible flowers along with her kale and maca flaca whatever smoothies all the time.”
“Plenty of animals eat tacos though.”
“Sure, yeah, but how many animals at this company eat tacos regularly?” Asked Chicken.
“Uh, me,” replied Ham.
“But you didn’t start the fire, did you?”
“I did not.”
“Yeah, so who’s left?”
“A lot. I would say a lot of animals are left.”
“But not a lot of regular taco eaters who eat them REGULARLY.”
“How are we defining regularly?”
“At least once every two weeks.”
“That does not seem very regular.”
“Sorry if I get a little personal, but this doesn’t have to do with the Cluck Chicken thing right?” Asked Ham hesitantly.
“What? No. Of course not.”
“Really? Cause ever since Cluck and Fluffy started seeing each other after karaoke night, you tend to look at her a little differently.”
“I don’t think I have.”
“The other day you were writing and when she walked by you put so much pressure on your pen that you broke it. Like a pen, not even a pencil. And then when she walked by our office last week to say hi you picked up the phone without it even ringing and pretended to talk to someone. And when she walked away you slammed the phone down and said ‘bump that ho’ under your breathe.”
“OKAY OKAY OKAY. Maybe I’m not a huge fan of Fluffy BUT that does not negate the physical evidence at hand.”
“Which is still very minimal.”
“I think we should just bring her in and hear the truth from the Alpaca’s mouth.”
“Fine with me.”
Ham rang Fluffy and asked her to come into the office. Ham and Chicken could see her through the window. She stopped by Cluck Chicken’s cubicle to whisper something they couldn’t hear before she walked into the HR office.
“Fluffy Alpaca, you stand here accused of starting the great tortilla fire of September 6th. How do you plead?” Asked Chicken right off the bat.
“What? I stand, um, not guilty? Is that how I’m supposed to say I didn’t do it? This feels very formal.”
“Sorry, this is really just an informal investigation,” clarified Ham. Do you have any information about the fire?”
“I’m really sorry, I don’t. I’d be happy to donate funds for a new microwave and toaster though.”
“We don’t need your money,” said Chicken.
“Oh, okay. I love your shoes Chicken, they’re so cute. Where’d you get them?”
“Out of town.”
Ham started, “okay, well, she doesn’t know anything about the fire so we can let her get back to her-“
Suddenly, Cluck Chicken bursts in.
“It wasn’t her! I did it. I’m so so sorry. I wanted to surprise Fluf with her favorite avocado tacos but I got pulled into helping out with a sales call and completely forgot about the tortilla in the toaster.”
Chicken’s feathers were puffing up with rage.
“Do you understand the implications of your actions? For the next week, the animals of this company are going to have to walk three blocks to microwave their lunches. Do you even know how busy Whole Foods is at lunchtime? The lines will be catastrophic.”
“I’m know. I’m so sorry, really. I should have come forward sooner.”
“Well thank you for telling us, Cluck Chicken. It shows a lot of character,” said Ham.
“What?” Asked Cluck Chicken as Fluffy gasped.
“That’s a good one Chicken! She’s been working on her Donald Trump all week. YA FIRED!” Laughed Ham, trying to dispel the tension in the room.
“Oh, that’s funny.” Said Fluffy.
“Okay, well you two are welcome to go back to your cubes now. Thank you for the information and please please try and keep an eye on your tortillas in the future.”
“Will do, definitely. Have a good one,” said Cluck Chicken.
Once the Cluck Chicken and Fluffy Alpaca left the office, Ham turned to Chicken. “You okay?”
“I don’t know.”
“Look, I know it sucks seeing them waddle around the office together, but you’ll be better off not dipping your pen in the company ink. When they inevitably break up, everyone will know. They’ll have to see each other every day and the awkwardness will torture them both.”
“And hey, my friend Bawk Chicken you met a few weeks back at happy hour seemed pretty interested.”
“He’s the one with the Boston accent right?”
“Yeah, is that a deal breaker?”
“It just sounds like a speech impediment to me.”
“He can take me out this weekend if he’s free.”
“I’ll give him your number.”