Setting: a local Chipotle
Time: the present
Sheila is on her phone in the Chipotle line. A man is behind her. Someone approaches her with a microphone.
Interviewer: Hello ma’am, I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about the new empanada option being offered here at Chipotle.
Sheila: What? Uh, sure. What’s this for exactly?
Interviewer: We’re with KATU news here in Portland.
Sheila: So this is gonna be on TV?
Interviewer: That is correct.
Sheila: Sure then, ask away.
Interviewer: Excellent, would you consider yourself a regular….
(Interviewer trails off and the stage goes dark save a spotlight on Sheila. Someone reaches from behind her and puts a fur collar over her outfit and dresses her in other fancy accessories. They hand her an Oscar)
Sheila: I’ll never forget the day I was discovered. I was just a plain old bank teller waiting on the burrito that would be my only source of joy for the day. It was that fateful moment that Steven Spielberg tuned into KATU for his evening local news and discovered me.
Steven: E-gads! This girl. She’s incredible. She has the charm of Audrey Hepburn and the power of Daenerys Targaryen. Look! She moves with the grace of Ginger Rogers and the sultriness of Shakira. Someone, right now, get my agent on the phone! I must have her in my next film.
Sheila: Yes, that day changed everything. I was offered the lead role in Transformers 9, Revenge of the Walkmans, alongside the world’s most respected actor, Mark Wahlberg.
Mark: Yeah yeah she was real good. She knew her lines real well and stuff. Is that all you wanted to ask me? Okay well, say hi to your mother for me, alright?
Sheila: What few people know is that Mark and I had a little bit of a love affair on the side.
Mark: Who what? Oh yeah. That too. She’s the best I ever made out with. The best. Definitely better than Amy Adams, both in talent and skin softness.
Sheila: Mark and I of course decided to end things as we both felt it was the best decision for Revenge of the Walkmans. It didn’t concern me much though, once the film premiered I had suitors in every corner. It’s funny, I used to believe no man would ever agree to marry me but now I get at least 27 proposals a day! Most notable was my ex, Kevin, who came crawling back like the pathetic little he-pebble he was.
Kevin: Please, Sheila, please take me back! I now see I should have never left you for that cashier at Free People. The tanned hippie look may have caught my eye but she never wore deodorant and she smelled rank all of the time. And AND she didn’t a Nobel Peace Prize for her Harry Potter fan fiction like you did!
Sheila: I felt pity for him, I really did, even though he crushed my heart into a million pieces. Which I would say proves I was the more emotionally evolved one all along.
Kevin: You were, you were always the better person! I didn’t deserve you! But will you please give me a second chance! I’d give anything!
Sheila: I’m so sorry Kevin but despite our once epic love, I can’t let the debt you racked up from your failed Hardy’s franchise ruin my spotless credit.
Kevin: I can change! I can go to law school! Become a doctor! Become a lawyer for doctors! Please!
Sheila: Oh Kevin, we both know you’re too stupid to get into grad school.
Kevin: Oh God, you’re right. (cries and runs offstage)
Sheila: Yes, I had plenty of men knocking at my door, but I was concerned with more important things. For example, I spent a year teaching adults in the newly discovered island of (makes series of clicking noises with tongue) how to read.
Adult Islander: I am so grateful to Ms. Sheila, she taught me to read and now I advise the President of the United States in economic policy.
Sheila: I also became a certified yoga instructor. I started a blog on kitchen hacks. I adopted a three-legged corgi named Hobbles. I even contributed to my 401(K).
(People clap and cheer)
Once I had visited all of the countries in the world and reached 5 million Instagram followers, I knew it was time to settle down. I had to pick one of the Hemsworth brothers as they were both fighting for my affection.
Chris Hemsworth: She’s the only Sheila on the beach for me.
Sheila: I went with the Thor one honestly because I needed some cabinets put up and he’s obviously good with a hammer so…
Chris Hemsworth: I’m the luckiest man alive.
Sheila: Ugh, Chris, you’re the sweetest. It was Chris who pushed me to accept the film that would define my career and land me my first Oscar.
(More cheering and clapping)
I am so honored to have had the opportunity to play Mary Anderson, the inventor of the windshield wiper. Without her, we would never be able to brave the storms life throws at us. So thank you Chris. And thank you Steven and Mark and my mentors Oprah Winfrey and Hermione Granger. Thank you mom and dad. And thank you realtor who helped me purchase a home, a feat I believed impossible for anyone born after 1990. Thank you all for pushing me to accomplish the things I always had the capacity to achieve but not the confidence to attempt! I will never forget any of you. And to all you kids out there, JUST DO IT! IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING!
(Cheering and clapping is louder than ever)
(Lights up the stage)
Interviewer: So will you be purchasing an empanada today?
Sheila: Hm, what? Oh. Uh, how much do they cost?
Interviewer: They are $3 a pair, ma’am.
Sheila: Is there like a meal deal?
Interviewer: Not that I know of.
Sheila: Then no.