The Chronicles of Ham & Chicken

“Pig, do you have any guesses as to why you were asked to meet with HR today?” Asked Ham.

“Well, I suppose I’m getting a slap on the wrist for something or other. Was this because I challenged ole Cluck Chicken to that race?”

“No, although many thought that was in bad taste considering Cluck Chicken only has one leg.”

“Which I understand. But I also firmly believe in equality.”

“Pig, you can’t really believe that-“ started Chicken.

“Ok, yes, that was inappropriate and please do not continue to challenge Cluck Chicken to races. However, that is not why you were referred to HR,” said Ham who was ready to get this meeting over and done with. He hated having to deal with Pig’s nonsense. Ham was constantly being confused for Pig around the office and he wanted as little as possible to do with this disgrace to all pork-kind.

“Y’all can’t know about what happened in the bathroom, right?” Asked Pig.

“I don’t even wanna know,” said Ham.

“Um, no, we haven’t been alerted of any bathroom situation. Do you have anything you’d like to report before we move forward?” Asked Chicken.

“No, of course not. I was just messing with you guys. NOTHING HAPPENED IN THE BATHROOM.”

Ham and Chicken exchanged a look of deep concern.

“So if I’m not here for the Cluck thing or the bathroom thing, then why am I here? I could be closing sales now, making this company oodles and canoodles of cash and paying for your salaries and my vacation in Bali.”

“Do you recall the interaction you had with Fluffy Alpaca on Tuesday morning around 10am?” Asked Chicken.

“Honestly, no. Actually, I think we talked about Game of Thrones and how in the last ten minutes of the episode-“

“OH MY GOD SPOILERS DUDE,” exclaimed Ham.

“Sorry bro, didn’t realize you were Thronie. Up top,” Pig went for a high hoove. Ham ignored him.

“That’s all you remember?” Asked Ham.

“Yep.”

“Unfortunately, we had an employee, who prefers to remain anonymous, complain about the interaction. The individual stated they witnessed you, um, smack the rear end of Fluffy Alpaca as she walked away,” explained Chicken.

Pig looked puzzled. “Yeah, I guess I did that. But it wasn’t a big deal. I’ve known Fluf for years. She’s basically one of the hoggies, amiright?” Pig looked at Ham and Ham returned an unflinching glare.

Chicken continued, “We understand that Fluffy was not alarmed by the situation. However, when an onlooker witnesses an act that is sexual in nature in the office that makes them uncomfortable, they can be considered a victim of sexual harassment.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously,” said Ham.

“That makes no sense to me. If an animal witnesses a purse being robbed, they aren’t gonna go running to the police about it.”

“Yes, they probably would,” said Ham.

“Okay, that was a bad example. The witness would complain cause that’s illegal. A booty spank is not illegal. It’s playful and how I banter with my office gals and my baseball team. I shouldn’t be getting called out because some precious snowflake can’t take a joke.”

“Yes, but, consider that what may seem like a joke to you may be a trigger for someone else. You never know what baggage other people carry around,” said Chicken.

“Chicken, I understand where you’re coming from, but I also understand that some of the folks around here have to build a thicker skin to be able to survive in the rough and tough world of tiny barns.”

Ham snorted, trying to hold in his laughter.

Pig continued, “I consider myself a leader at BitBarns Corporation, both in confidence and performance. I am at the top of the leaderboard in sales every single month. The culture around here is a culture that I build. If someone has a problem with me or the way I deal with things, they should confront me animal to animal or find themselves a new place to work. If I had my choice, we wouldn’t even have an HR department, no offense. I just think this department builds an environment of coddling.”

Chicken started speaking, not sure how to respond to Pig’s unflinching condescension, “that’s an interesting opinion, however, I really feel as though-“

“Pig. Let’s chat, pork to pork. You may be towards the top of the leaderboard for sales but you’ve slowly been falling down the food chain. In fact, 5 of the last six months, you haven’t broken into the top three. You are by no means considered the top dog at the moment. That would probably be the actual dog, Woof Dog, who has been smashing your sales records by 6-12% every month this year. And the fact of the matter is, everyone is liable to the laws of this country and there are laws regarding sexual harassment that you are toeing. And the police aren’t going to care how many sales you’ve made. They’re only going to care about the number of women you’ve creeped out.”

“Okay, alright, I hear you. I gotta do better. But I’m still too valuable to fire and you both know that.”

“Unfortunately, that is true. You won’t be fired, not yet. But you won’t be receiving commissions for the next three months since this is what, the 4th time in the last six months you’ve been reported to HR?”

“That seems right, yeah.”

“You won’t be going to Bali anytime soon if you keep acting like a slimy sexual predator in the workplace.”

“Heard. Ya know, you’ve got some balls, Ham. I didn’t realize.”

“Don’t say balls in the office,” replied Ham.

“Heard.”

“Well great, I think we’re done here. Have a lovely afternoon,” said Chicken pleasantly.

Pig stood up, straightened his tie and left the HR office.

“How’d you know all those numbers?” Asked Chicken.

“I keep watch of my enemies to stay prepared for the battles ahead.”

“Cool. You wanna go get grilled cheeses for lunch?”

“Absolutely, yes.”

 

 

 

 

 

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